Post Script

We lost Carl Reiner yesterday. Ninety-eight years old and an inarguable giant in the development of comedy over the last 70 years. The enabler of Sid Caesar, the biographical father of the Dick Van Dyke Show, the patron of Mary Tyler Moore, the partner of Mel Brooks, the father of Meathead and so much, much more. Go to YouTube and watch Your Show of Shows, Dick Van Dyke, the 2,000 Year Old Man, and Oceans 11 and 13. A treasure, and we were lucky to have him for so long. RIP, Alan Brady.

Brady.png



COVID Senior Lockdown, Finale

Man, there’s nothing more annoying than an addictive blog that posts irregularly and then, worse, vanishes unexplained for three weeks. Oh, shoot! That’s us!

Well, this is the end of this experiment. The Missus and I thank our loyal fans (family and friends) for, we hope, enjoying our rants. But COVID has stopped being useful fodder. We’re tired of trying to find fun in the nonsense. We’re left with the politics, the “But it’s science!” arguments, the Mask Nazis, and the people who can’t do math. It’s no fun anymore.

You probably know people like us. There’s an age and attitude group that, if not already sick from something else, refuses to play along. We’ve seen equal or worse stuff over the years. We don’t like government telling us what to do. We assume the press is overblowing everything to get clicks/viewers/ headlines/likes. And we’re done with it.

There will be more from Gunpowder Rebellion. Probably in August. Thank you.

Not Chaka Khan

Not Chaka Khan

Guy and The Missus

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 85

Fifteen days to flatten the curve, Doo-Dah, Doo-Dah.
Seventy more ‘cause we said so, Oh Doo-Dah-Day.
Wear a mask all night, wash your hands all day.
Spent my money on a pulse oximeter
Feel so much safer this way.

My beautiful baby sister, who is a career athlete and health conscious, offered me an observation the other day. She said how you view the virus is like cash versus credit. If you need to reach into your wallet to pull out real money to buy something, you think a little harder about it. With a card, you get the immediate benefit without the cost. Until the bill comes in and then maybe you think about it, but it’s too late. If you could see the great big Spiked Ball of Fever rolling at you on the street, you’d go around it or run away or hit it with a tennis racquet to protect yourself. But it’s invisible, like the invisible money you just bought that Alexa with. So you don’t experience risk urgency. But, what if it really…is…right…there…?

There definitely are two types of us out here: I once called them the Scared and the Not Scared. But maybe it’s more like being a Believer or a Skeptic. In the middle are the Just in Case. These folks are cautious, often because they have the very vulnerable in their lives: old parents, new babies, family with health conditions. We have friends like these, who generally lean Skeptical but feel a duty to respect the What If?

Meanwhile, the protests have done us all a favor by showing that violating Social Distancing is a Constitutional Right. And it is nice to see the looters, at least, observing the Mask Protocol.

Remember the pigeon? Did I tell you about the pigeon? Let me go back and look through the archives. Hold, please……..

Hmmm. Missed that during the long silence.

 
Not Chaka Khan

Not Chaka Khan

 

This is Herman. Yes, I gave him a name. He fluttered into our driveway to nosh on the daily birdseed about two weeks ago. He now seems to live here. He’s got ID, although we can’t see all of the characters on his band. He’s very smart, and treats us to acrobatic flyovers once a day. He sits on the roof a lot, like an iridescent weather vane. The cats look for him. He’s very cool and friendly and I hope he finds his way home.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 84

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been three weeks since my last post.
For your penance, my son, recite three Hail Marys, one Lord’s Prayer, and the lyrics to Stayin’ Alive.

Hi, there. Remember me? I apologize to my legion of fans (i.e., family and friends) for the gap. It got really busy here in Gunpowder World. But mostly, I ran out of material.

You see, the Government did a dastardly thing. They eased off on the pressure here in the Free State (Honest. That’s our Official State Handle. Hard to believe, no?) just enough to reduce the absurdity quotient to a status of Manageable. A Manageable level of absurdity makes it harder to find crazy stuff to laugh at. I need bright and shiny stupidity for inspiration.

Thank God they left us Masks.

Masks are the deep and lasting well of absurdity in this comedy of nonsense. Students, let’s review our History of Masks.

COVID Pioneer Era - The only masks of any value are the sacred N-95 masks. Anything else is a waste of effort, provides a false sense of security and would be merely Virus Theater.

COVID Social Distancing Era - Social Distancing is sufficient. Masks, which you can’t find anyway due to the panic created during the Pioneer Era, are only needed by First Responders and Medics to protect themselves.

COVID Golden Rule Era - Please wear a mask to protect Your Neighbor. Thank you oh so much. Look at my hand-sewn Betty Boop mask. I made it from old pajamas and a bra strap.

My Internationally Respected Specialist Doctor - Masks are more likely to make you sick than no mask at all. Your breath creates a warm, moist area right in front of your nose and mouth that provides a comfortable landing and nurturing spot for any random germs that come your way.

COVID Mask Virtue Era - You’re a heartless capitalist slug if you don’t wear a mask at all times and all places to protect Me. Shame on you and your Facegram page, too. And stop jogging! You’re in my space.

We are now in the COVID Mandatory Indoor Mask Era and the exact masks that were once a waste of effort and merely Virus Theater are now required to do commerce anywhere. This Era is overlapping the Virtue Era, making life, thankfully, silly again. More tomorrow. I hope.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 63

Imagine you’re a kid in the back seat of the family sedan. It’s crowded and your sister in the middle seat is in your space. But you’re headed to the beach and that’s a good thing and so you behave. Dad says it won’t be long, whatever that means in Dad terms ‘cause you don’t drive. After a while, you need to pee.

Dad, can we stop for a bathroom?
Sure, sonny. There’s a stop in about twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes later, whatever that means in Dad terms, you see the gas station approaching and rejoice. Great. That wasn’t so bad. Relief is in sight. Dad zooms right past.

Dad?
That one wasn’t clean enough. There’ll be another in another twenty minutes.

Oh, all right. You shift in your seat, smack your sister and sit quietly because Dad knows best. Twenty minutes later, another gas station appears and you’re proud of yourself for toughing it out like a good boy. This one looks bright and clean and you’re sure Dad will stop. But he keeps going.

Uh, Dad?
Not the right one.
Why?
Just not.
But, I really have to pee.
Not long now. Dad knows best. Probably forty minutes, fifty max.
Sigh.

At this point, you’re starting to feel real pain. You’re crossing your legs and squirming in your seatbelt and your sister is teasing you about your peepee and you smack her again and scrunch back into your increasingly uncomfortable seat and then you start to fear that Dad Will Never Stop. You pass two more gas stations and a park with trees and you don’t understand why Dad hasn’t stopped but he knows best and then…

You hear Dad go BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and see in the rear view mirror that his eyes are spinning and spittel is running down his chin.

This is the Lockdown.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 61

Yesterday was 60 days since the two-week lockdown started. My, how time flies.

But lots has been happening recently. The Governor announced lifting of the stay-at-home rule (effective at the end of Day 59. Poetic, somehow.) and replacing it with a semi-voluntary safer-at-home suggestion. But he left local implementation and/or acceptance to the local poohbahs in the counties and cities. Chaos reigns. Open here, closed there, in-between elsewhere. All I know is that I can’t get my hair cut in my county, but I can go to the next county and get it done. Which I probably will, ‘cause the Missus has contacts there. I miss my regular stylist lady, who’s been out of work since The Beginning. But what can you do? I need a trim; it’s a basic human right. It’s nuts.

And why doesn’t “contact tracing” scare the hell out of everybody?

There have been a lot of politicians, experts, and mediaites who should know better on TV lately, Zooming from their exemplarily compliant home quarantines. If they’re going to do this, they need new cameras that aren’t built into the bottom of the screens of their laptops, which is the default configuration of many newer PCs. What you’re saying isn’t interesting enough for us to spend the time looking up your nose.

We saw two young teenagers heading down the street on self-propelled skateboards (I sure with we’d had those.) and carrying fishing rods. Not sure what they were trolling for, but it’s legal under the “fishing for sustenance” clause. BTW, are we all tired of “an abundance of caution” yet?

I can’t help it. This just came to me after seeing her on the news the other night addressing her Michigan constituents.

 
Ilsa3.jpg
 

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 57

Yeah, took the weekend off, plus a couple.

It’s mid May and the temperature is finally going up. But it was cold over the weekend, close to freezing in spots. This is why they say not to plant tomatoes until after Mother’s Day. The Missus and I hope you had a nice Mother’s Day, or celebrated your Mother properly with flowers and tomato cages.

I have come to understand that the COVID world is clearly divided between the people who are scared and the people who wonder why. This is not a flippant flip-off. This is imperative to understanding our neighbors because, as I’m really tired of being reminded, we’re all in this together. People who live in high case areas are fried. Tired, surrounded by potential silent enemies, worrying about sick friends and family. The vast rest of us are sympathetic to an extent, based on what we see and hear on the all-COVID-all-the-time News. But, the vast rest of us are not living their lives. If you’re not in a super concentrated urban area like NYC or a nursing home or one of the other explainable Hot Spots, you honestly, sincerely, and without rancor or attitude, may not get the big deal. And if you’ve been around for a while, you remember all the other flu and virus breakouts over the years that did not result in shuttering the world. Interesting story here about the Hong Kong flu in the late 60s:

https://www.aier.org/article/woodstock-occurred-in-the-middle-of-a-pandemic/

There’s a longstanding paradigm that tries to pit the Haves against the Have Nots. This is developing into a conceptual disconnect between the Scared and Scared Not. Many many many of us don’t know anybody who has had it. I guess we’re really lucky. Many many many of us are skeptical about the statistics, because we’ve seen government issued statistics before, and these are no less fungible. There is a real credibility gap, to use a Woodstock-era term. Sounds heartless, maybe. But it’s the facts. And this is at the core of the burgeoning rebellion. It is not about human lives versus capitalist greed or whatever. The early Open the Country protests were neutered by partial relaxations in many places. But in conversation, there are plenty of people who want jobs and need money, or whose relationships and life plans are suffering, or who just don’t like being told what to do - and are not buying into the program any longer.

On the other hand…

Exercise makes you look better naked. So does tequila. Yes, I know somebody said that before me, but I agree.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 51

So, as you know, on Wednesday the Governor announced the freeing of the Golfers, along with the Tennis Players, Boaters and Campers. Today, on my weekly Thursday Happy Hour Zoom Party with the guys, there was much anticipation about getting “back out there” on the links. Only a few of us are any good. Most of us barely deserve to be called average. But, like the slow-pitch softball we practiced with little success for 40 years, our golfing is about friendship, not skill. We’ve been through a lot together. The lockdown has taken a toll on some of the guys’ relationships, plans, and sanity. A few hours in the fresh air working at the silliest game invented by man will, I hope, provide a tonic for what ails us.

Speaking of the phenomenon henceforth known as Lockdown Friction, every once in a while these days, the Missus and I disagree about something. It’s okay. Our relationship is strong, we’re mutually respectful and measured in our discussions, and we use semi-gloss paint, so the blood comes off the walls with a sponge and a spritz of Formula 409.

My buddy the Professor lives downtown, in a trendy condo complex in a trendy part of town. It’s nice. He lives alone, but there’s always been plenty to do around him. His observation as he walks the downtown area and bikes the demarcated paths is: So many buildings. So few people. It’s a ghost town. The people are there; they live there. But they don’t come out. No place to go, for one thing, with all the primary urban attractions shut down. And walking just to walk gets old after a few weeks. Only the psycho runners seem unperturbed, although they induce trepidation among the healthy in their paths as they huff and puff their way maskless along the sidewalks, spewing exhaust.

On the brighter side:

Chaka Khan

Chaka Khan

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 50!

And on the Fiftieth Day, The Governor declared that we could now Boat, and Golf, and Tennis (okay, not a verb), and Frolic in the Park - as long (sigh) as we “continue to practice…[Doesn’t your brain expect to hear the words Safe Sex right here?]…social distancing and other etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.” Huzzah.

Less people. Less trips. Less infections. Less patients. Yes, and less patience with “less”. Does anybody remember the word “fewer”? I know. It’s on the same dung heap of linguistic history as “best” (replaced by “greatest” in The Most Greatest Hyperbole Coup of 2008, led by ESPN). Was Brooks Robinson the best third baseman ever? Yes. Was he the greatest? I don’t even know what that means. I’ve also had enough of “unprecedented” (which replaced “uncharted”/”unchartered” when people realized they didn’t know how to use it) and “stunning,” the universal descriptor for any new COVID statistic. People need a thesaurus. And don’t get me started on “amongst.” What? Were you raised in an English barne?

Back to fun stuff. Yes, more bird news! Today, we were visited by a squadron of Swallows. This is rare. We see them flying high overhead at times in the summer, chasing swarms of mosquitoes and other small, annoying critters. They are a hoot to watch: aerial acrobats doing swoops and loops and moving it seems at the speed of sound. Today, they were doing all of that at ground level in the back yard. Like a feathered attack of TIE Fighters.* Fascinating. My guess is that a cloud of buglets hatched in the grass or something and these guys were just hunting and feasting. I literally had to duck coming out onto the deck as they zipped past at unpredictable angles. Beautiful birds, by the way. Barn Swallows, to be specific. My bird bible tells me they are the only Swallows who actually have the iconic swallow-tail.

* I owe my Star Wars readers some love because I completely blew off May the Fourth.

Also Not Chaka Khan

Also Not Chaka Khan

Stay sane.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 49

Happy Cinco de Mayo! And a belated Star Wars Day.

The goldfinches are finally popping, turning from their winter green-bronze into bright yellow bursts of joy. And, we have another new bird! He showed up yesterday and was still here this morning, feeding on the driveway seed along with the sparrows and the baby cowbirds. He’s a Rufous-Sided Towhee, Rufous not to be confused with Rufus, the 70s band that launched Chaka Khan. In birdworld, it means red, most often a brownish red. And that’s what this fellow has: a brown-grey head and back, brown-red sides, and a bright white belly. I think he’s a juvenile, ‘cause the grown-ups have darker tops. Cute. Never had one before.

Not Chaka Khan

Not Chaka Khan

I think I mentioned that we’re packing up the house to sell and move to a happy retirement all alone in isolation and fear on Maryland’s beautiful Eastern Sure. I found myself wondering whether we have a statue of St. Joseph. Common (a relative term) belief has it that burying a statue of St. Joseph upside-down (Kinky. Don’t ask.) in your yard assures your house will sell sooner. I think we need all the help we can get.

I forgot to mention, we saw the Salute to Health Workers Flyover the other day by the Navy Blue Angels and Air Force Thunderbirds. Mrs. F loves flyovers. They make her cry every time. So, when we heard about it and saw the map, we picked a spot and drove into the eastern suburbs of Baltimore. The shopping center parking lot we chose was full of flyover fans of all ages. It was a gorgeous spring day, sunny and warm, so unlike most of the weather of late, and the mood was festive. Out! Finally! And around other people! Aunt Marge! Is that you? Parents rejoicing, children hyperventilating. A county cop rolled through, assessed our positions, and let it ride. Common sense prevails once in a while. Thank you, officer. Everybody kept The Distance. And the planes were, as always, super impressive.

In packing up another room yesterday, I was wrapping and putting my Orioles bronze statues away, the ones they gave away when they put up the Hall of Famer statues at the ballpark some years back. I had to fit the manager into a box in an undignified position, which led me to wonder: If you bury Earl Weaver upside down, do you get a good ball team sooner?

A Big OK Boomer Thanks to Mrs. F’s old friend Arizona Laura One (Yes, there is a Two.). In a text exchange yesterday she used the term “wigging out.” Really!

Sister Gonzaga: Mr. F, please define “Wigging Out.”
Me: Yes, Sister. Wigging Out. Circa 1965. Becoming overly excited, losing control. Synonyms: freaking out, flipping out.
Sister G: Very good, Mr. F. Can you use “wigging out” in a sentence?
Me: Yes, Sister. “The guy ahead of me in the drive-thru line was wigging out because his fries were cold.”
Sister G: Mr. F, were you driving?
Me: Yes, Sister.
Sister G: Mr. F, you’re twelve. Report to the Principal’s office.
Me: Yes, Sister.

Ah, memories.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 48

Feeling better today. Thanks for asking. Some odds and ends from the sticky pile.

Pink sticky: As a professional COVID writer, I am lately confused about how to write my topic’s name. It seems every news organ has developed its own Style Guide treatment of the term. Most seem to be leaning toward Covid. Some even have gone totally lower case with covid. Being a stickler for anything done The Old Way, I’m going to hold onto the ALL CAPS version. I mean, I know it’s not technically an acronym, so I guess it doesn’t have to be all caps. But that’s how the founders spelled it, so I’m taking the originalist view.

Blue sticky: Cat vomits are like deer. If you find one in your path, assume there are more.

Back of Ram’s Head On Stage menu: If you’ve never seen Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes live, check them out. New Jersey rock in the style of Springsteen, Little Steven, Mink Deville, Graham Parker. Not BonJovi. Seeing a band live if you’re not already a fan is always a gamble. The singalong factor is going to be way down. You might end up staring into your beer while the chick what brung you is doing the Frug in front of the speakers. Or, you might end up mesmerized. That was me a few years ago when Mrs. F took me to see Southside in a small club. She had become a believer years ago during her past life in NYC. I had never heard of him.

I think I mentioned a few days ago that he, Bruuuuce, and Steven grew up together and learned life and music together. They share songs and a proclivity for raspy vocals. Steven produced the early Bruce LPs and is still, I think, in the band. Southside cut a few albums in the 70s, also with support from Steven (then known as Miami Steve), and has been relentlessly on tour since. I think he’s better live than on vinyl. The energy is addictive. The music is right up my alley: loud; complex; rock and roll with a tinge of blues, a layer of piano, and a heavy dose of horns. The band is a collection of characters.

The last time we saw him, the missus had a wine-induced vision of a movie, starring The Rock, or maybe Jason Statham, as the brawny sax player, young Brad Pitt as the glamour-guy lead guitar, and a keyboard player in a porkpie hat who is also a missile expert. Together they tour the world, drinking heavily, playing sold out small clubs, and fighting evil.

Yellow sticky on printout: Have you bought into the Smart Appliances movement yet? Not just smart TVs, but fridges, washer/dryers, light bulbs, even toilets that are on your wi-fi. All parts of the growing Internet of Things (IoT). Smart light bulbs can be controlled over the web or from your phone: on, off, scheduled on/off, dimming, feeding the cats. I found this in a technology column. Not a joke:

If you need to reset the software in your GE smart lightbulb, just follow these easy instructions. (Doesn’t seeing software and light bulb in same sentence make your head want to explode?)

  1. Turn on for 8 seconds.

  2. Turn off for 2 seconds.

  3. Turn on for 8 seconds.

  4. Turn off for 2 seconds.

  5. Turn on for 8 seconds.

  6. Turn off for 2 seconds.

  7. Turn on for 8 seconds.

  8. Turn off for 2 seconds.

  9. Turn on for 8 seconds.

  10. Turn off for 2 seconds.

  11. Turn on.

Bulb will flash on and off 3 times if it has been successfully reset. Welcome to Skynet.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 47

Love is in the air. Literally.

The other afternoon, the Missus and I were enjoying an end-of-day cocktail on the deck. It was a warm (finally!) spring evening. We watched four ducks flying evasive patterns. I thought they were two pairs of two. She thought they were three chasing one. Both are possible with ducks. Either way, it was a mating dance. Those birds did things with their wings in mid-air you don’t see unless they’re being sex addled show-offs.

Then yesterday, we took a little drive around the neighborhood. Fear not; we never interacted with any actual people. On our way back, a panicked movement caught her eye. Stop, she cried. There in a roadside rain puddle was a blur of fluttering brown wings. Clearly a small bird in distress. Ever the animal friend, she leaped from the truck. As she approached, a drenched sparrow flew from the puddle. Then the other one. Lots of birdie romance going on around here. But in the pool? As Hedley Lamarr would say, kinkyyyy.

Later, as we enjoyed the end-of-day round outside, we saw in the next yard a pair of ducks, a guy and a girl. Looks like one of those fellows got lucky. They were just standing in the grass, next to a rain pool, chatting amiably. It looked quite innocent, except for the cigarettes. The Missus named them George and Katie, after the older couple who used to live in that house. That’s what she has named every mating pair that has ever taken up residence in our yard or theirs, and there have been plenty over the years.

Sorry about the longer than normal gaps between posts lately. I keep blaming it on being busy, but the truth is it’s lack of inspiration. As with all great columnists, as well as lousy ones like me, the fodder for these things comes from sticky notes. You see something that might be the germ of a punchline, you jot it down. You have a clever turn of phrase or an old movie quote pop into your head, you scribble it and tack it to the pile. See something, stick something. Mrs. F is also an excellent muse, tossing me notes with her own takes on stuff, many of which end up in these pages. Lately, though, when I sit down to write funny, touching, or heroic tales of Life in COVIDland, I find that the scribbles are increasingly sardonic, bitter, even angry. It’s human nature to chafe against these kinds of restrictions, this enforced behavior that feels so…antisocial and counterproductive. Especially after two weeks has turned into nearly two months. So, I’ve resorted to reporting on bird sex while fighting the urge to write a rant. For example:

Have you heard recent announcements (like, on radio and TV) urging people to fill out their Census forms because it will help your community get enough vaccine, teachers, and hospitals? Technically, true. Census data, which is required by the Constitution every ten years (although they collect infinitely more personal info now than the Founding Fathers ever would have approved) is used to apportion federal resources according to population-related factors. My objection is that these spots, which have only surfaced in the last couple of weeks, clearly are intended to mislead citizens into a sense of urgency by implying that their Census reports have a chance in hell of affecting the COVID crisis. It takes years for that info to get crunched, for districts to get redistricted, for spend plans to be modified and for actual results to reach actual human beings. Maybe we’ll have enough vaccines for the next mysterious Chinese disease.

See what I mean? And that was one of the nice ones.

- Guy

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 44

We had a new bird in the yard today! We get a lot of sparrows, like everybody, but one caught Mrs. F’s eye from the kitchen window and she called me over. Using my birding binoculars to zoom in on the target that must have been, gee, at least twelve feet away, I spied a sparrowish creature with a grey breast and striking black and white stripes atop his head. A quick glance into my bird bible identified him as a White Crested Sparrow. Welcome, little buddy.

White-Crested Sparrow

White-Crested Sparrow

We do well here in Gunpowder World with woodpeckers. Downy and Hairy Woodpeckers are regular visitors to the pines out front, as are woodpecker relatives like the Flicker and even the Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker. Yes, they really exist outside humorous scenes about nerdy birdwatchers. We’ve even had sightings of the granddaddy of Eastern woodpeckers, the Pileated Woodpecker. Big sons of guns, those boys. One of our most stalwart annual visitors is the Red-Bellied Woodpecker, whose belly isn’t really red but whose head boasts a brilliant shock of neon orange. They’ll do everything from peck at the maple in the back to walk up on the deck looking for leftover squirrel peanuts. Last spring, we noticed one following a very precise pattern, over and over again. He zipped down from the elm tree above the shed, lit on the sunflower-seed feeder for a second, took one, zoomed back to the same spot in the tree and then did something we couldn’t figure out. Hmmm. The birding glasses revealed a couple of smaller heads in the crook of a limb, waiting anxiously for dad to bring another mouthful. That was charming. He was doing it again yesterday, same spot in the tree, which I guess now is the old family homestead. Looks like another batch of pretty birds for us to enjoy this spring.

Red-Bellied Woodpecker

Red-Bellied Woodpecker

Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker

Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker

Speaking of feeding things, I have to give the missus a lot of credit for the love she shows all God’s creatures around here. Well, the winged and four-legged ones mostly. Whole nuts for the squirrels and blue jays, crushed nuts for the Carolina wrens, seed dispensed at exactly the same location on the driveway every morning (under a bough of trees, safe from hawks) for the cardinals, sparrows, mockingbirds, and whatever else is around. Yours truly takes care of the hanging feeders out back, but not nearly with the dedication Mrs. F ladles onto her friends. It’s to the point that, on the rare occasion that she’s late or hasn’t noticed a need, a bright red cardinal will sit on a branch at exactly eye level to the kitchen window and bark at her, with direct piecing eye contact. Lady! Over here! I’ve joked that with her experience with the animals as well as with our two kids, she could open Mrs. F’s Diner and be the Official Short-Order Cook. Heck, no, she demurs. “I don’t mind making special food for those I love, but I don’t think I’d have the patience with strangers.”

Guest: Lady, over here! I wanted extra cheese on this burger.
Mrs. F: Extra cheese? You want extra cheese? Do I know you? Do I love you? Are you a blood relative? Do you have feathers? Then, no, you can’t have extra cheese!! Here, I found a couple peanuts in my apron. Make do.

Empty-Bellied Cardinal

Empty-Bellied Cardinal

She’s the best.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 43

Yeah. I know, I know, I know. My faithful readers have been reminding me that I’ve been slacking. Two days, three days. What’s up, Guy? Well, A. The missus and I have been busy. And, 2. This shit’s getting boring.

However, a few notes from a weekend trip to the Eastern Sure. Yes, we broke quarantine. Us alone at home to us alone in car to us alone at other home. Arrest us.

I continue to appreciate the common-sense approach folks on The Sure are taking to the restrictions. Plus, they’re still not wearing helmets while on bicycles. Go, you Hell’s Angels! PedalPedalPedal!!!!

If you go to The Sure with any regularity, you’ve passed Tammy’s Cool Things on Route 50 between Easton and Cambridge. The little shack with the hippie VW Microbus out front. Classic. Full of tie-dyed clothes, incense burners and incense, funky coffee mugs, psychedelic posters, and other cool stuff from the era when we were young. I don’t know where else you would get this stuff these days. It’s been closed, like all non-essential (value judgement) retail establishments. But they have a sign along the road with their phone number in case you need a curbside quick fix for your macramé dreamcatcher Jones. www.coolthingsinc.com

In other news: I really love Dr. Deborah Birx. AIDS pioneer, smart woman, great on camera. She and Dr. Fauci are a formidable face to the government’s efforts. But, mostly, I like her name. Doctor Birx. What nationality is Birx? I’m not picking on her. Just being a word guy. I suppose I could look her up on Wikipedia and learn in eternal, painful detail when the awkward foreign surname was shortened and Anglicized from Birkenfranciscoskiou’ahnkJun or something to Birx. But that wouldn’t be any fun.

In the newswriting business, at least when I was in it, an “x” was suffixed to several terms to shorten the number of typing strokes (real typewriters, real ink, real paper, real maintenance, real costs) needed for routine references. Thus, Weather became Wx. Police was Pox. (Don’t read anything into that. In those days, we respected the cops.) So, Birx is interesting from an etymological POV. Plus, it sounds like a comic book villain, doesn’t it? Lex Luthor and Doctor Birx Conquer the World. And, Dr. Fauci, by the way, reminds me of a James Bond bad guy. Maybe. Or maybe a cheesy 60’s TV character played by Vito Scotti. Look him up and come back.

Waiting….

In case your wi-fi was overloaded by Netflix streamers, Vito Scotti was the only guy allowed (by union, I think) to play an Italian comic character on TV in the entire 60’s. And he turned his accent into any other accent and played Soviets (now sweetly known as Russians), Gypsies (Am I still allowed to say that?), Indians (I know I can’t say that.), Middle East guys (Maybe.), Orientals (Oh, stop it!), and pretty much everything else. He was everywhere. Every TV series and many movies. Gilligan’s Island. Bewitched. McHale’s Navy. The Godfather! (Aside: Please look up McHale’s Navy for an early Tim Conway and a comic Ernest Borgnine. Really, two brilliant people in a simple sitcom beneath their talents. Borgnine already had an Oscar, for Chrissakes. And young Conway launched from there to become a legend.) Yeah. Okay Boomer. I get it. Shut up. No, you shut up, kid.

Closing on a more serious note, have you read anything about the Contact Tracing program? They’re hiring thousands of people to follow you on your cell phone’s GPS (with overt help from Google and Apple), your credit cards, and everything else you trail behind you. They know that you were in Uber #XYZ last Thursday at 6 and when that driver (who they’re also tracking) tests positive, they’ll call you and tell you to sign up and lock down. I am not making this up. Hello, Skynet? Can I disconnect?

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 40

40 days and 40 nights since the bars and restaurants were closed. Are masks now required where you are? Not N95 masks, the magic ones that keep YOU from getting IT. I mean the simple, handmade, flimsy masks and/or face coverings that are supposed to keep US from giving IT to OUR NEIGHBORS. Guilt on a par with my mother telling me to make sure my underwear is clean in case I am in an accident. This has become the last straw for certain folks of a certain age. I have noticed - not that I’m getting out much - that the mask thing is being treated more as a wink-wink social nicety than a medical imperative. I’ll do it if it makes you comfortable. I’ve been in more than one small shop lately where the proprietor is wearing a mask/buff/handkerchief around his/her neck when I walk/sneak in. I have a mask/buff/handkerchief around my neck, too. We assess each other via unspoken eye signals. You want me to wear a mask? No. You want me to wear it? No. As long as we don’t hug, kiss or otherwise violate social distancing, we’re comfortable. Common sense is taking over in a small, rebellious minority. But, I digress.

I posed this question to my Thursday Zoom Happy Hour buddies: What shows are you watching to kill evenings? I was surprised how many of them have found Ozark, a Netflix Original about a metropolitan family that runs afoul of a Mexican drug lord and moves to rural Missouri to launder money. Got that? It’s scary, funny, intriguing, surprising, and features many of the kinds of characters you’d expect to find in the Ozarks and some that you wouldn’t. Stars Jason Bateman, who I’m told was a child star on some shows I never watched, but plays an entertaining middle-aged guy with problems you and I wouldn’t want, like a crypt full of cash and poppy growing hillbilly neighbors. Highly recommended.

A show like this is akin to the soap operas our parents (and some of us, he admittedly guiltily) watched in their heyday. Those characters’ totally screwed up lives, what with affairs and murders and mysterious newcomers, made housewives (and occasional college students, he conceded hesitantly) appreciate their comparatively boring but predictable lives while vicariously living implausible adventures. Somewhere in the archives of Guiding Light, One Life to Live, Days of Our Lives, General Hospital, et al, is a storyline about a global disease lockdown and a president who suggests ingesting bleach as a cure. Ridiculous.

We’ve been wondering about our neighbor PJ a few houses down. He’s a do-it-yourself kind of guy. Needed a big tree taken down and brought in a contractor and a bunch of buddies as support staff. The tree came down by afternoon with only one close call, but the slicing and dicing of parts continued well into the darkness. Cue The Boss:

Hear the chainsaws in the night (all night)
In the night (all night)
Buddy, we don’t know how you do it.

Runnin’ chainsaws in the night (all night)
In the night (all night)
Count your fingers and we hope you live through it.

Found an old bug zapper while cleaning out the shed. I wonder whether Dr. Fauci has thought of that….

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 38

Really sorry about the gaps in publishing. We’ve been crazy busy packing up the house and exhausted by the end of the day. It’s been all I can do to not burn my hand again.

But I have been collecting notes. So, here’s a rundown.

First of all, Happy Earth Day. The 50th Earth Day. I remember the first one well. It was April of 1970, and I was only a few short weeks from - wait for it - graduating from eighth grade and heading off to High School! Man, you remember how it felt to be a senior in high school? Being an eighth grader in a Catholic grade school was the same deal, only sillier. You could be a Safety on the bus, and direct traffic on the parking lot, exerting power over the grownups behind the wheels and proudly wearing your Safety Belt across your chest. It even had a Badge! In seventh grade, Safetys had dingy white cloth belts that had been used by previous generations of Safetys. But, in 1970, the school splurged for new fangled neon orange plastic belts. You could be seen for miles, and all the other kids knew you were something akin to a Made Man. It was the tail end of the hippie movement. We were too young to be real hippies, but we had the vibe, and it was groovy. We were occasionally rebellious, like loosening our ties in last period. We hated Vietnam, whatever that was. We were discovering psychedelic rock, like Classical Gas and the Guess Who. And My God we treasured Mother Earth and loathed the smoke-belching factories where our fathers made the money to pay our tuition. Earth Day was a statement that even we kids could make. Glad it made it to 50.

Mrs. F has been texting with some of the other wives in our group. They’re all in favor of opening up the golf course. They want us out of the house.

Apparently, hair cuts and color jobs are the highest priority. Here in Maryland, and also in Georgia, the Governors are relieving some business restrictions. The first thing they’re opening is, honest, barber shops and beauty parlors. Yeah, my first priority is a haircut. So I can go to a good restaurant and enjoy a nice steak and a couple of professionally made cocktails without feeling self-conscious. I guess I can get the ladies who need a coloring. But, even the Missus (who does not color) says, “Fight COVID. Show your roots!”

Have you noticed that the telemarketing calls have slacked off? I haven’t heard from Melissa at Microsoft in weeks. I assumed she was sheltering in place. But the Missus read that India has shut down what they call the “boiler rooms,” massive international call centers. Hmmm. Maybe Melissa’s name isn’t Melissa after all. She almost had me.

Ok Boomer my ass, part 3. Today’s comedians and comics would be nowhere without the goundbreaking acts of the standups we grew up with. I’m not even talking about the guys who always get the love in these discussions: Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, George Carlin. All brilliant. But Shelly Berman, Mort Sahl, Bob Newhart, Jackie Mason, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks, Jonathan Winters, The Forbidden Comic Bill Cosby, The Forbidden Jewish Comic Woody Allen, Nichols and May, Joan Rivers. Later Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin and Andy Kaufman. Man, they carved new territory in the 60s and 70s, bringing untouched topics and new psychology and intelligent punchlines to the three-channel TV universe. There’s a show on Amazon called Cutting-Edge Comedians of the 60s and 70s. Juicy and hysterical. Try it. Oh, and Dave Chappelle is the latest immortal.

I think that’s it for now. Happy Earth Day. She is eternally resilient. So are we.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 36

The Gunpowder River is bluer than ever. I’ve been reading how the skies over LA and NYC have been less smoggy since the Great Lockdown. But, I have to say, the Gunpowder, a notoriously muddy river that has carried brown sediment from upstream development as long as we have been here, is suddenly blue like the lower Chesapeake down around Pax River. There might be something to this interruption of industry.

And, the local small creatures seem to have a clue. The squirrels are positively gamboling in the road. The birds are deep-staring until we throw out a few of the increasingly precious peanuts. The trailblazing groundhog doesn’t seem to notice the cosmic stress and keeps barreling through the front yard on his (or her) beaten path.

We had a marvelous musical sojourn last night. If you have Amazon video, then you should have a channel called Qello. We ignored it for a long time. I mean, what the heck is a Qello? But it’s full of music. And last night we stumbled upon Bruce Springsteen Live at the Hammersmith Odeon in 1975. Personally, I stopped following Bruce around the time of Born in the USA. He had cut his hair, started working out, danced on stage, all the famous pop star things; so I dropped him like that old girlfriend who was perfectly nice until she discovered she was cute. But those first three albums from ‘73-’75, which I had been lucky and discerning enough to get into in real time, were masterpieces, and he was a whole new thing. A ballsy, noisy Dylan. An enthralling storyteller who not only rocked, but produced beautiful, intricate rock. Through Bruce, I could envision a busy, scary, sexy life that was far more interesting than my soft, suburban existence. This show was by that Bruce, the raw, pre-superstar Bruce and his merry band of stellar musicians. They pulled heavily from their latest LP at the time, Born to Run, but all the classics were there from The Wild, the Innocent and Greetings from Asbury Park. As an encore he performed a slow, solo rendition of For You that was heartbreaking.

And back to the band for a moment. These young guys bought into a concept called Bruce. Before he was The Boss, before Bruuuuuuce, before the redhead, he was this street guy with brilliant songs in his head and a unique sense of sound. The music he made was far from commerical pop. They were never going to crash the charts with hit singles. But they enjoyed the act and the ride and most are still with him. Max, Danny, the late Clarence, and the second genius behind it all, Miami Steve (now Little Steven) van Zandt. They remind me of my softball buddies. Back around the same time as this concert, a bunch of childhood and school friends created a slow-pitch softball team. We were never going to win championships. It was a lark, a hobby; a chance to play outside, have a few laughs, and drink beer. That team became a family, and after 45 years of adventures, wives, children, grandkids and careers, we’re still together. That’s magic.

(Speaking of magic, do a little reading about the early intersecting of Bruce, Steven, and Southside Johnny. Man, that was some neighborhood.)

Oh, back to the Gunpowder where we started. That beautiful river out there is off limits because our Governor, and most of his peers, have banned recreational boating. We fail to see the logic. Is there a better way to social distance than in the middle of a body of water? Maryland has eight gazillion miles of shoreline plus the world-class Chesapeake Bay and we’re all in dry dock. Could it possibly be because boats, like golf, tennis, and premium beer, are viewed as rich peoples’ endeavors? (I wish.)

Mrs. F and her friends have been discussing and are in agreement: Get people out of the house! Governors, please open the golf courses, marinas, and tennis courts. We need some air.

Rebellion is brewing. Told you right up front.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 34

Oops. After the gale force wind subsided this afternoon I saw a chance to do burgers on the grill. It all went well, and they were delicious. Nice to get out after our dip into the Arctic flow of the last few days. However, Mrs. F and I had busted our butts all day on downsizing chores (yes, it never ends) and had begun to sip the evening martinis while she prepped dinner and I grilled. I’m going to allow that I may have had one more than prescribed because in closing up the hot grill I inadvertently laid my right hand on the hot cover and, well, screamed like a banshee. But, paw laid out upon a frozen ice pack and with significant assistance from the love of my life, I enjoyed a left-handed dinner. Typing, on the other hand (pun intended), is a different challenge and the missus will clean up the typos. She is an excellent editor! Oww. That bang hurt.

Steve Stills is a genius.

Ok Boomer, my ass, Part 2. You guys all think we can’t do tech. And we have played it for years. But, I have to admit, this episode has forced our hand (pun intended). Yes, we do know how to get our voicemails, and return calls to our kids. Yes, we know how to do Zoom Happy Hours (which blew our cover for family dinners with kids). We can play internet bridge and bingo with Mathew McConaughey. We just didn’t want you all to know, dagnabbit!! Oww. That hurt.

There seems to be a Worldwide COVID Concert on every channel tonight. I hope it’s more entertaining than the Elton thing and the Garth thing. Oh my, a puppet is giving me a pep talk. Ok. Hopes dashed. Going to bed after watching a few Amazon episodes of Laugh In. There was a show to make you smile in weird times.

Steve Stills really is a genius.

Ok. Late add. On the Worldwide COVID Concert, the Stones just did You Can’t Always Get What You Want. This is my Favorite Song of All Time. It was a Brady Bunch quad of Mick, Keith, Ronnie, and good old Charlie streaming from their own places and synching perfectly. Charlie is a new Twitter hero for playing air drums with exquisite elan. Well done and I swear I could hear the young boys choiring in the background. The good news is that Keef is still alive! Oww.

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 31

What day is it? I’m running into that comment all the time as I call and Zoom and text with people. We’re all losing chronological context. The brilliant Mrs. F reminded me of something today.

Some years ago, her mother suffered a small stroke. It didn’t physically debilitate her. But it hit a part of her brain hard and she developed a condition called anomia. If you learned Latin in Catholic school like we did, you know that means without names. She had trouble finding the nouns for Things, a frustrating process for her not unlike the less serious challenge we had the other night trying to put a name to the fat bald guy who was named Paul Reiser. Ants became “little animals in the kitchen” because she couldn’t find “ants” in her library. It was easy to mistake her condition, especially at her age, for dementia.

Then we noticed that she was losing recall of recent events. Another sign of dementia? That’s what her docs thought. But Mrs. F did not agree. She did a ton a research and worked with her mother to figure out that the brain attaches memories to Things. “I went to lunch Thursday at Dead Freddie’s.” Easy enough. But if you can’t pull up the words for lunch, Thursday, or Dead Freddie’s (her favorite lunch restaurant), then you’ve got no anchors. The memory of the event becomes squishy and imprecise and doesn’t stick. And there you are. It was a curse on an active mind. She struggled mightily against it, and her stubborn, smart daughter gave us a name for it.

We are suffering from a similar circumstance. No anchors. No commutes, no weekly meetings, no school schedule, no alarm clocks, no regular grocery days. Here in Gunpowder World, the only regularity in our calendar is the great guys and gals who pick up our detritus. Monday is trash day and we have to get the cans out the night before because they come in the wee hours. Thursday is recycle day and we need to get them out by 8 am because they come around 9. These are our benchmarks now. Trash day and recycle day. Don’t be late, and leave the guys and gals a chilled six now and again.

Why is everybody taking their walks in the evening? Aren’t they all stuck at home all day? How about spacing this out? There’s a traffic jam at the corner and they’re not 6 feet apart!!!!! Sheesh.

The missus is digging into the records again. She played Robbie Robertson’s self-title LP from 1987. As long as he'd been around (1950s) and as long as it had been since The Band broke up (1977-ish), it’s hard to believe this was his first solo album. Excellent. Then we rocked to String Driven Thing, a pretty damn obscure 70s band that more or less replaced a drummer with a fiddler. A different sound that kicks ass. I love the eponymous first LP. Find it if you can. Now, as I finally hit Post on this thing, we are enjoying Willie Nelson’s The Great Divide. Man, Willie has reinvented himself a thousand times, and he and Rob Thomas did a masterful job on this rendition. Find it. Shoot, didn’t Post quick enough. I’m losing continuity. She just put on the Traveling Wilburys Vol. 1. Now I gotta go. Let’s dance, baby!

COVID Senior Lockdown, Day 30

Yes, 30 days since Gov. Hogan shut down the bars and restaurants. Seems longer, doesn’t it? Since then, the vise has tightened several notches. First, no place to go; then, stay home anyway. Now, masks are becoming mandatory. All that in a month. When they have us seatbelted into our couches with masks on our faces, gloves on our hands, feathered fedoras on our heads and chunks of dung in our ears, they’ll know they have us.

Oh, my, did the missus and I have a Boomer Thrill last night. We were watching S2E2 of The Kominsky Method on Netflix. It’s a fabulously funny show if you’re of a certain age or older. Stars Michael Douglas, who used to be young, and Alan Arkin, who somehow can’t say the same. They’re brilliant and since they’re who they are, attract great guest stars and cameos. So, first, an old flame of Arkin’s character shows up. She’s supposed to be around 80, but is beautiful, thin, classy and British. She looks familiar, but who is that actress? Later Douglas’s character is battling with his ex, a short-haired fireplug with a sailor’s vocabulary and Jimmy Durante’s voice. Who is that? Gotta be somebody. (And by the way, the venom and unveiled hatred these two people have for each other is out of this world. That was truly a marriage born in hell. I have never spoken that bluntly to my ex.) Then later, a quite fat old guy with a bald head and yet a grey ponytail shows up. Oh, God, he looks familiar! C’mon, Mrs. F - who is that??? Youknowhimyouknowhimyouknowhim!! We were going nuts in that fun, Trivial Pursuit way that you do when you know you know the answer but it’s not…quite…within……reach.

I have to say, I guessed the ponytail guy after a few minutes.

The credits finally rolled. The 80-year-old Brit lady was the lovely Jane Seymour, unseen by us in years but unchanged in many ways. We should look so hot in 15 years. We ought to have gotten that one. Damn.

Ponytail turned out to be Paul Reiser, of Diner and Mad About You and, recently, Stranger Things fame. The eyes and smile were still there, but hard to see. I swear they must have spent hours padding, balding, and dressing him. But I got that one!

The ex-wife was the real puzzle. Kathleen Turner. Yes, the sexy, smoky voiced siren of so many films in the 80s, like Body Heat, Romancing the Stone (with Douglas), and Prizzi’s Honor. The missus was amazed that she had gotten so much shorter since Jessica Rabbit. Hadn’t seen her in a while, but the voice should have been the clue. I had such a crush on that voice. Every time the missus gets bronchitis, I get turned on.

Screen stars are part of the lives we lived and their performances are frozen in celluloid amber. Sometimes they vanish from the popular stage for years. When they surface in a setting like this, in roles that were probably a happy hoot to play, it’s fun to see them having fun. They don’t need the money, they enjoy the work. They can still act, and still make us laugh, and make us feel connected to a common memory. I haven’t seen Body Heat in a long time. Maybe tonight.