Addendum 2 — Gunpowder

HELP WANTED: Short-term position in new government administration. Close proximity to center of power. Perks include gourmet food but limited quantity, excellent pay for as long as it lasts, and life insurance. Medical not needed. Flexible hours a must to accommodate long naps, midnight snacks, and basement time. Apply with resume and most recent physical exam at mydnc.com/careers/food-taster.

Speaking of food, what is it with restaurants and their mounds of bread? I know, this started years ago. Look around you and you can see the results waddling along in their sweat pants.

The health models for weight control are pretty universal in their disdain for carbs unless you’re a marathoner. Minimizing carbs has allowed me and the Missus to maintain our girlish figures after all these years. But eateries continue to bury perfectly good meat and cheese under inches of useless, tasteless bread. Burgers - even worse, crabcakes! - submerged under a giant kaiser or brioche? Where’s the beef?

I ordered a Reuben the other day at a local tavern respected for its menu (outdoor seating, of course). The waiter assured me that their Rueben is legendary, and he was nearly correct. The meat was tender, the sauerkraut plentiful, the cheese well-melted, the Thousand Island wasn’t Russian but it never is anymore. Could have been a nice lunch, but all that luciousness was embalmed in a sarcophagus of that thick bread such joints tend to call Texas Toast. Why? How about a couple of thin slices of nice Jewish rye? Would caraway seeds be asking too much?

At the founding of the sandwich, the bread was merely there to hold the innards together, to accomplish what the innards could not do for themselves. The innards were the core and spirit of the sandwich. In recent decades, the bread has become bloated and out of control. The country needs more Originalists in the kitchen!

Creepy newspaper ad. Creepy robots. Creepy Arthurian imagery. Creepy corporate slogan. Reimagining is a very scary word. Watch your back, Sarah Connor.